I am wheat.

Luke 22:31-32; "31 And the Lord said, “Simon, Simon! Indeed, Satan has asked for you, that he may sift you as wheat. 32 But I have prayed for you, that your faith should not fail; and when you have returned to Me, strengthen your brethren.”

I was talking with my good friend, Stephen, today.
We talked about how beat up we were.
It feels like our hearts were trampled on by "one too many buffalo" as he put it.
I remembered this verse from Luke, chapter 22.
Satan demanded to sift Peter like wheat.

The process for sifting wheat was this: throw the wheat against the cement and beat the hell out of it with a flail.

During times, it feels like my heart is being sifted- like wheat.
Its hurt by myself: my failures.
Its hurt by others: their actions and words.
Its hurt because of what I've done: breaking other peoples hearts- breaking my Gods heart.
Every failure I've made.
Every rude comment given to me.
Every despicable act of aggression against me.
Every time I've hurt someone else has been a blow to my heart from the flail.

Often times this heart begins to be too much.
It hurts too often.
I've cried more times than I care to remember.
I've felt the burning fire of anger towards situations that I would normally find acceptable or tolerable.
I've felt the anguish of a loss of a friends fire for God because of lukewarmness.
I've been kicked in the stomach emotionally and balled my eyes out for the body of Christ.
I've never felt the depths of emotion as much as I have while being in this relationship with God.
I've asked prayed Jesus' prayer from the garden on more than one occasion.

Its so hard to deal with this kind of heart: the kind of heart that's made of paper and bleeds like a anemic.

“Father, if it is Your will, take this cup away from Me; nevertheless not My will, but Yours, be done.”

Through it all, however, I have always prayed to have Gods heart. I realize, now, that He's taken me very literally. My heart is so softened by this process of threshing. I'm beginning to feel what God feels.
I am beginning to love what He loves. I'm beginning to understand.
I understand that by this softening, my heart is growing stronger.
I'm being refined.
Refinement is never comfortable.
Never.

After Jesus finished that prayer to his Father, it says: "an angel appeared to Him from heaven, strengthening Him. 44 And being in agony, He prayed more earnestly. Then His sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground".

He strengthens us when we ask Him.
But why does He strengthen us?
To help us pray more fervently.

I love Batman.
In the movie, Bruce Wayne's father asks Bruce a question: why do we fall?
He answers: so we can learn to pick ourselves back up.

I think I'm starting to hear God ask me a similar question: when you are weak, why should you pray for strength?
It is so you can learn to pray more fervently.

Satan demanded to sift us like wheat- but Jesus prayed for me.
His offer was better.
His offer wins.
His offer strengthens me.

I know this heart is problematic at times.
I know my heart gets lonely.
I know my heart gets pounded.
I know my heart is a mess.
But I know my heart reflects a lot of what Gods heart does.
If being pounded into the dust is part of being built up, then I think its worth it.
I just want to see His face.