Tonight, God was calling me to be silent, and it was so He could romance me. This is extremely personal, and I hope this is a blessing to some of you. I know God blessed me by romancing me. I hope He does the same to you. You'll never be the same. Here it is:
The Lord my God is tugging gently at my heart as one who is longing for attention. He's coming for me, He's coming for us, and it’s evident in the way the earth is groaning and yearning for His return. I think He wants my attention, but what is more truthful is that He deserves my attention.
Maybe this is true. Maybe I shouldn't be focusing so much of myself and focus giving myself to His perfect love. Maybe I should humble myself. Maybe I should be quiet, contrite, and lowly in spirit.
Maybe He's going to grace me with His presence.
I can’t seem to shake the phrase “Jesus is coming” from my head. There’s something there. I know it. I feel it my body. I feel in my spirit; it’s stirring inside of me: eagerly. Yet, with the same yearning I feel the need for quietness. I feel unworthy of such love. I feel humbled that He loves me. I am humbled that He would esteem me to enough to send His son to the cross for me. I don’t ever appreciate that enough.
“O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?”
I keep thinking and meditating on Lamentations 3:21-33
"21 This I recall to my mind,
Therefore I have hope.
22 Through the LORD’s mercies we are not consumed,
Because His compassions fail not.
23 They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
24 “ The LORD is my portion,” says my soul,
“ Therefore I hope in Him!”
25 The LORD is good to those who wait for Him,
To the soul who seeks Him.
26 It is good that one should hope and wait quietly
For the salvation of the LORD.
27 It is good for a man to bear
The yoke in his youth.
28 Let him sit alone and keep silent,
Because God has laid it on him;
29 Let him put his mouth in the dust—
There may yet be hope.
30 Let him give his cheek to the one who strikes him,
And be full of reproach.
31 For the Lord will not cast off forever.
32 Though He causes grief,
Yet He will show compassion
According to the multitude of His mercies.
33 For He does not afflict willingly,
Nor grieve the children of men. "
Silence, among other things in this passage, stands out to me so much in this and I can’t explain it. But I know my lover is pulling my heart. Like a lover pulls back the one they love for another embrace as if they were about to go somewhere.
Be still, my love; be still, my heart.
I’m not going anywhere, God, I love you, but, I’m humbled by this, my Lord. I’m humbled by Your love. I don’t understand it. Where did it come from?
Instead of explaining it, can You just fill me with you? I need to be with You right now. I need Your presence, Your touch, Your love in my life. I need you. I can’t be without you.
If you’re coming, then I want to know You before you get here. I want to step into eternity with someone who romanced me.
God, romance me.
I feel it now, Lord. Yes, I feel it. I feel you stepping in. I feel Your love surrounding me. I feel the arms of Your love embracing me.
Loving me.
Holding me.
Keeping me.
I see the jealousy of Your heart for mine. I feel the warmth of the fire in Your eyes.
Love, consume me.
Love;
“You are the hand that catches my fall
You are the friend that answers my call
You are my day, You are my night
You are my love and all of my life
You are the love I need
You are the air I breathe
You are my love my life always forever
I would lay down my life
Just to be by Your side
You are my love my life always forever
You are the grace that covers my sin
You’re everything the beginning and end
You have my soul, my heart and my mind
You have my love and all of my life
Hallelujah”
Love,
You are everything.
You are all encompassing.
You are everything I need.
You are everything I want.
You are more than I asked for.
You are my love.
You are my life.
Always. Forever.
Thank You for silencing me tonight. Thank You for loving me. Thank You for romancing me.
Don't leave me when I rest tonight; lay with me. Comfort me, as only a love can.
I Love You, Lord. Thank You and good night. Its turning out to be one isn't it?
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
Dorian and the Hound of Heaven
I wrote this, inspired from the sermon of Ravi Zacharias on the profundity of the story of Dorian Gray. I wrote a blog on it as well, but this poem, although in dire need of editing, was extremely therapeutic.
"Dorian"
The last time I stared at this picture was when it was painted
You captured the beauty of my innocence
You told me I was beautiful
Somewhere along the line, sometime soon, I decided it was alright
to stray a little ways away
from where I was called to be
I was alright for the while until I found myself in the monster of a man I was becoming
I heard the horns growing
in the picture You painted
I appear perfect, without flaw, from the outside
but You came and saw right through me
You knew my heart was soiled and rotten, but still, Your love hounded me
I tried to fight, until, it became to much
There, on the floor of the attic where I kept that portrait, I fought You for Your hands
I plunged my knife into Your side while
Your blood and water poured out on the dusty floor
the life had gone from You
Your life didn't leave from me though
I heard Your wounds appear on my picture
and when I could not withstand it any longer I sought to kill the perfection You had created.
I gazed upon my picture and saw your blood run from my hands
I killed perfection.
I killed perfection.
I buried my head in the dust of the painting
but when I looked up, I caught I a glimpse of You
You were still there, all along, it was You
You, oh God, who hounded me.
And I was forgiven when you looked on me and loved me
The blood that once flowed from Your side then flowed into my veins
cleansing me
Forgive me God, if it took my sin, killing Your son, to realize I needed You.
Forgive me God, I didn't realize it was Your love that hounded me.
Your love healed the wounds on the canvas of my heart.
Your love saved me.
You saved me.
Dear God,
I love You. Thank you for loving a wreck like me.
-Josh
"Dorian"
The last time I stared at this picture was when it was painted
You captured the beauty of my innocence
You told me I was beautiful
Somewhere along the line, sometime soon, I decided it was alright
to stray a little ways away
from where I was called to be
I was alright for the while until I found myself in the monster of a man I was becoming
I heard the horns growing
in the picture You painted
I appear perfect, without flaw, from the outside
but You came and saw right through me
You knew my heart was soiled and rotten, but still, Your love hounded me
I tried to fight, until, it became to much
There, on the floor of the attic where I kept that portrait, I fought You for Your hands
I plunged my knife into Your side while
Your blood and water poured out on the dusty floor
the life had gone from You
Your life didn't leave from me though
I heard Your wounds appear on my picture
and when I could not withstand it any longer I sought to kill the perfection You had created.
I gazed upon my picture and saw your blood run from my hands
I killed perfection.
I killed perfection.
I buried my head in the dust of the painting
but when I looked up, I caught I a glimpse of You
You were still there, all along, it was You
You, oh God, who hounded me.
And I was forgiven when you looked on me and loved me
The blood that once flowed from Your side then flowed into my veins
cleansing me
Forgive me God, if it took my sin, killing Your son, to realize I needed You.
Forgive me God, I didn't realize it was Your love that hounded me.
Your love healed the wounds on the canvas of my heart.
Your love saved me.
You saved me.
Dear God,
I love You. Thank you for loving a wreck like me.
-Josh
Multi-Faceted
God's been busy in my life; thank goodness: I needed it.
I, for about the period of the last month hadn't really paid a whole lot of attention to Him. I strayed not too far away, but enough to where he had to remind me where I was heading. I like that. I like that my God cares enough about me to let me know when I'm going about things the wrong way. I like knowing He loves me and will take care of me.
I hate that I neglected God, but I'm so very appreciative of the fact that God is forgiving and faithful, even when I might not be. After I wandered into the wilderness of my neglect and sin, God led me into peace and joy. He showed me what I have to look forward to in Him: it's beautiful.
This month God has shown me what it is, (not completely), to be in a committed relationship. He showed me, (all over again it seems), that love, although the basis for a commitment, does not produce a strong commitment. In contrast, commitment, rooted in love for God, will produce the proper feelings and emotions.
This doesn't sound as complete an idea as it should, so let me explain. If I were in a relationship with a woman who I thought was attractive and felt an emotional connect with, and then tried by that logic to produce a commitment, it would not last (as often as we would like). This is because the basis on which the relationship was based was strictly on what they had felt previously, and not on what was to come. When things got hard, it would possibly be assumed that the relationship was bad; there is no accountability, no commitment founded on a basis of love and understanding that feelings and emotions are temporary. However, if I were to start a relationship with someone whom I had made a commitment to, in the understanding that a God glorifying relationship makes satan angry and in turn leads to trials which would be hard, it would last and/or be healthier because when the trials came, they'd be expected. Love and emotion would stem from the commitment because of the prayerful mindset and understanding of the couple.
This relationship applies to God, as well as other people. If I come into a relationship with God because I feel a spiritual peak, and have no intention or idea of what a commitment looks like with the creator, the relationship, debate-ably, would have little depth or strength. The pursuer of God would be discouraged by the lack of emotional highs in a testing relationship and might eventually leave the relationship. Much the same way a couple would break up if things got hard when all they ever thought was supposed to happen was good.
In addition to the example of romantic love, the same principle applies to ministry.
Numbers do not produce a love for God or a commitment worth mentioning; a commitment and burning love for the God of the universe, produces numbers. People are drawn to love. People are drawn to passion. This is why fraternities and sororities are so popular. There are so many people, especially my age, seeking the perfect love that only God can provide. This love of God is attractive to many people. If we want to see people come to God, we must first look at the need of the people, and provide for that need. If we want college age people to love God, WE have to love God first, and they'll be drawn to that love. We can't just start a youth group, invite people, and expect them to stick around. Nobody wants to be in a surface level relationship with anyone for very long. The same goes with a relationship with God.
These are just some of the things that God has laid on my heart. I hope they resonated with you :)
Love,
-Josh
I, for about the period of the last month hadn't really paid a whole lot of attention to Him. I strayed not too far away, but enough to where he had to remind me where I was heading. I like that. I like that my God cares enough about me to let me know when I'm going about things the wrong way. I like knowing He loves me and will take care of me.
I hate that I neglected God, but I'm so very appreciative of the fact that God is forgiving and faithful, even when I might not be. After I wandered into the wilderness of my neglect and sin, God led me into peace and joy. He showed me what I have to look forward to in Him: it's beautiful.
This month God has shown me what it is, (not completely), to be in a committed relationship. He showed me, (all over again it seems), that love, although the basis for a commitment, does not produce a strong commitment. In contrast, commitment, rooted in love for God, will produce the proper feelings and emotions.
This doesn't sound as complete an idea as it should, so let me explain. If I were in a relationship with a woman who I thought was attractive and felt an emotional connect with, and then tried by that logic to produce a commitment, it would not last (as often as we would like). This is because the basis on which the relationship was based was strictly on what they had felt previously, and not on what was to come. When things got hard, it would possibly be assumed that the relationship was bad; there is no accountability, no commitment founded on a basis of love and understanding that feelings and emotions are temporary. However, if I were to start a relationship with someone whom I had made a commitment to, in the understanding that a God glorifying relationship makes satan angry and in turn leads to trials which would be hard, it would last and/or be healthier because when the trials came, they'd be expected. Love and emotion would stem from the commitment because of the prayerful mindset and understanding of the couple.
This relationship applies to God, as well as other people. If I come into a relationship with God because I feel a spiritual peak, and have no intention or idea of what a commitment looks like with the creator, the relationship, debate-ably, would have little depth or strength. The pursuer of God would be discouraged by the lack of emotional highs in a testing relationship and might eventually leave the relationship. Much the same way a couple would break up if things got hard when all they ever thought was supposed to happen was good.
In addition to the example of romantic love, the same principle applies to ministry.
Numbers do not produce a love for God or a commitment worth mentioning; a commitment and burning love for the God of the universe, produces numbers. People are drawn to love. People are drawn to passion. This is why fraternities and sororities are so popular. There are so many people, especially my age, seeking the perfect love that only God can provide. This love of God is attractive to many people. If we want to see people come to God, we must first look at the need of the people, and provide for that need. If we want college age people to love God, WE have to love God first, and they'll be drawn to that love. We can't just start a youth group, invite people, and expect them to stick around. Nobody wants to be in a surface level relationship with anyone for very long. The same goes with a relationship with God.
These are just some of the things that God has laid on my heart. I hope they resonated with you :)
Love,
-Josh
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Discipline and Dorian Gray
Somehow, I keep coming to Proverbs 12:1, Hebrews 12:11, and Matthew 5:6.
Proverbs 12:
1 Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge,
but he who hates reproof is stupid.
Hebrews 12:
11 For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.
Matthew 5:
6 Blessed are those who hunger an thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.
I hate discipline so much. Its annoying. Its frustrating. Its everything my flesh hates because it forces me to confront EVERYTHING I know I need to change about myself.
It is NOT peaceful at first; on the contrary, it is exhausting and confusing.
I feel like the character of Dorian Gray. I feel like I was painted by God, in His image: beautiful. He painted me enchantingly and when I look back on the things I've done and I do right now, its as if I look upon the painting God has made and those sins appear on the painting. I look at my marred, scarred, bruised, battered, and ugly face, and get frustrated and angry. I try to run from it. I try to make the painting go away. I hide it in my closet. I try to stab it with a knife but it only comes back to hurt me.
Then, God comes back. He looks at the painting and asks me what I've done. I tell Him. Then, instead of condemning me, He loves me. He takes His brush, dips it into the blood of His son, and repaints the picture.
After He's done, whats left is a picture of the person God intended me to be: perfect.
The scariest and most frustrating thing I think about the process of discipline is not that knowing that I need it; its the fact that I have to face my problems head on. Its a good thing to know, however, that I'm not going through it alone. I still have Christs' blood covering me and fixing me and empowering me.
Discipline is uncomfortable, yes, but I know that I'd rather be disciplined and grow in love for my God, than to flee from it and lead a debauched lifestyle full of idolatry.
Therefore, I will exalt God, even when I don't want to, because He is worthy of it. And, because my God loves me.
Thank You, God.
Proverbs 12:
1 Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge,
but he who hates reproof is stupid.
Hebrews 12:
11 For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.
Matthew 5:
6 Blessed are those who hunger an thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.
I hate discipline so much. Its annoying. Its frustrating. Its everything my flesh hates because it forces me to confront EVERYTHING I know I need to change about myself.
It is NOT peaceful at first; on the contrary, it is exhausting and confusing.
I feel like the character of Dorian Gray. I feel like I was painted by God, in His image: beautiful. He painted me enchantingly and when I look back on the things I've done and I do right now, its as if I look upon the painting God has made and those sins appear on the painting. I look at my marred, scarred, bruised, battered, and ugly face, and get frustrated and angry. I try to run from it. I try to make the painting go away. I hide it in my closet. I try to stab it with a knife but it only comes back to hurt me.
Then, God comes back. He looks at the painting and asks me what I've done. I tell Him. Then, instead of condemning me, He loves me. He takes His brush, dips it into the blood of His son, and repaints the picture.
After He's done, whats left is a picture of the person God intended me to be: perfect.
The scariest and most frustrating thing I think about the process of discipline is not that knowing that I need it; its the fact that I have to face my problems head on. Its a good thing to know, however, that I'm not going through it alone. I still have Christs' blood covering me and fixing me and empowering me.
Discipline is uncomfortable, yes, but I know that I'd rather be disciplined and grow in love for my God, than to flee from it and lead a debauched lifestyle full of idolatry.
Therefore, I will exalt God, even when I don't want to, because He is worthy of it. And, because my God loves me.
Thank You, God.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)